What To Do When Your Spouse Goes Silent On You

October 23, 2015

When my wife gets upset, she gets quiet and distances away from connection.

When I get upset, I tend to get vocal and pursue connection.

Before we knew how to handle these differences, it was superfrustrating.

For the first few years were together, I used to hate it when she got quiet.

I thought she was punishing me with the silent treatment.

And because I saw it this way, I’d go bonkers. Grrrr… I would get so frustrated. I didn’t know why it pissed me off so much, but it did.

Of course, I’d make it worse by demanding that she talk to me. “Just tell me what’s going on already dammit!”

I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to just put words to it and say something, anything…

Sometimes, I thought it was because we had a fight, other times there wasn’t even a fight and so I had no idea what was going on with her.

In fact, one time, I threatened her, “If you don’t go to therapy and get that issue resolved, I’m not sure I can be with you.” Gulp.

I said that a few years into our marriage and I felt so confident I was right and she was wrong.

Did my approach work?

No, it shut her down even more.

Doah!

So, you might be making the same dumb mistakes I was making and driving your partner further into their shell.

If you are the person who prefers to “talk about it” and your partner is the one who struggles to communicate, you’re going to find these steps very useful.

You see, the more I did some “inner work” on myself, the more I realized her silence was triggering some old wounds in me that I previously hadn’t dealt with.

Once I started to see how her shut down was helping me, I began to figure out that my way was more damaging to our connection than it was helpful, even though I thought my way was awesome because I was advocating for us to “talk it out” sooner rather than later.

So, instead of making your silent or quiet partner wrong, try this instead as it may just help you get the connection back you so desperately want.

Stop doing your habit of pursuing connection. Don’t try to talk it out. Do the 5 step process mentioned in this blog post: “Stop, Drop, Feel, Deal, Get Real.”
Start learning how to give him or her space.
Work with your upset so you can be calm and caring toward your spouse. Practicing simple mindfulness or a listening to a guided meditation (free download here), can be very helpful so you can “be with” your own upset and not act out from it.
Let them know this is hard, but that you are working on giving them space.
Let them know you are available when they are ready to process or talk about what happened and then drop it.
Notice how much you are “tracking them” and keep coming back to yourself
Don’t take it personal. It’s not. Yes, your way triggers them, but it’s still not about you.
Contact a friend, journal your feelings, and get support on why this is driving you mad.
Allow more space. If 24 hours has gone by, check in with them and say something like “Hey, how are you over there? I’m noticing I miss you and our connection.” Chances are they may soften with this type of statement.
Let them initiate the reconnection process. Once you’ve tried Step 9, if they are still distant, just keep giving them space. Send the message with your whole being “I’m here and available when you are ready sweetie…”

Watch closely, eventually your partner will come around. Space does wonders. Pressure doesn’t.

I remember the moment I finally “got it” years into my relationship with my wife.

An entire week went by and I was super loving the whole time and just gave her space.

She approached me one day after days of very little talk (only about the kids) and she reached to me and gave me the most amazing hug and said “Thank you.”

We both teared up and agreed I had never quite given her space like that. It was a powerful moment and our dynamic shifted that day.

Plus, I felt CONNECTED to her again! YES!

So, remember, your job is NOT to do your habit of chasing your partner down. It’s to relax, step back, and give him or her space.

Relax, you will be okay. Keep giving space and see what unfolds.